Massage with no happy endings

Males and females. We grow up together, live together, copulate together and grow old together (in no particular order), but we may never fully understand each other. One is from Mars the other Venus - yes we’ve heard it all before. But sometimes a unique experience can give you an insight into what it must be like for the other gender. In Thailand I had one such unique experience. It left me feeling deeply unsatisfied. I imagine it is similar to how a woman feels when she is left wanting more in the bedroom. Being male I can fully appreciate how naive that may sound, “He thinks he knows?”, I hear you say, “This ought to be good”, “Chuff! Chuff!” But hear me out, this had nothing to do with sex at all.

It started late one afternoon when we stopped for a coffee by the side of the road. A lady, after serving us, decided to sit down for a chat. Among many other things that afternoon, she told Hannah and I about a resort down the road, where we could stay for the night. Being stingy cyclists we had no interest at all but, as she continued to rave about this resort. we discovered they had Thai massage on offer and it was just up the road from a temple where we could stay the night (for free). 

Feeling a little tired from the day’s ride, we entertained the idea and rode on. After half an hour’s ride, we came across the River Front Resort and decided to investigate. As we rode down the tree lined driveway, it appeared that nobody at this sleepy resort was home. It was in the middle of nowhere and, as we poked our nose around, we discovered a terraced bamboo forest adjacent to a beautiful river with sandy shores. It was late afternoon and we wanted to get to the temple before dark so we asked for two massages at the same time. While waiting for the owner to track down the resident masseurs, we headed down to the river for a quick swim.

Having been in Thailand for several months now, I’ve lashed out on a few massages. I’ve had good ones and bad ones varying in price from 150 to 500 baht (a kind soul sponsored the expensive one!), but even the bad ones left you walking away feeling better than when you went in. After the swim in the river and the outdoor shower among the bamboo, I was ready for the next hour of relaxation. When we arrived at the massage bungalow, we were greeted by a woman and a man. The lady’s hands looked masculine enough to be a good masseuse, while the man looked like he’d just come from a day labouring in the rice field. Being on the road teaches you not to judge a book by the cover, and so I thought I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

Anyone who’s ever had a Thai massage will know that in the world of Thai massages, there’s a certain ‘etiquette’ to be followed. Usually they start with the feet and legs, move up the body to your arms, flip you over and do the same on your back, work over any points where they feel any tension then have you sit up to work your back, shoulders and head to finish. Usually it’s a lady that gives the massage but, as men are generally stronger, it can be better. This massage however was unlike anything I had expected.

I lay on the bed on my back just like previous massages started before. He began near the feet as usual but, as the massage continued, the technique felt nothing like I’d experienced before. I thought to myself “Ahh, this is a little different. Could be good?” Then, as he continued, I remember thinking two things: he is either so good that he has his own ‘master’ technique and that I don’t understand my body well enough or, he is just a layman and he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. I doubted what was plainly obvious. But, as it went on, I came to the conclusion that he probably was a farmer’s labourer who might have had a few massages from his wife in the past. Somehow he had decided to try his luck for a day’s pay with an unsuspecting foreigner.

He started the traditional massage by slowly pressing on my legs, then worked up to my arms and back. But then things started feeling awkward when he went back over the same parts he’d just massaged. In the spots where he needed to spend time, he skipped over. Areas that needed to be pressed hard were barely touched. At other times, it was just plain painful. And as I lay there getting massaged, a lot of things went through my mind.

About half way through, when he had started his routine all over again, I just kept thinking “What are you doing?”, “Not like that”,  “No, that just hurts.”  Then my arm started falling asleep. When something started feeling right he’d stop and go somewhere else. At one stage he began twisting my legs into weird positions while I was on my stomach which, to be honest, left me feeling a little vulnerable. The whole experience was beginning to feel uncomfortable in a weird kind of way.

This went on for some time. As I glanced over with one eye open and saw Hannah, I realised that at least the lady came in with a game plan and knew what she was doing. I started feeling sorry for the guy. I started thinking how he must be feeling. I also thought “I’m paying for this!” Then, as the experience dragged on. I thought “Is it over yet?”, “OK, now I’m wasting my time. I could be riding to the temple while it’s still light.” Then finally, “Maybe I could just save him the trouble and call it a day.” In the end I persevered. No massage was better than a poor one – right?

As Hannah’s massage finished and she left the room, I sat up and he finished with a shoulder rub. The massage finished as it started, with a mutual smile, but I could almost sense his relief. As I sat in the room to my own devices, I was left with a feeling of being deeply unsatisfied, partly because of the fact I still felt tense and partly due to being short 150 baht. In the end, all I could do was laugh!